beyond frustrated

yes, I know what I am about to write is beyond petty.

I had midterms today and Now my brain feels like mush. All I wanted to do was go see a movie with my boyfriend this afternoon and I couldn’t find a sitter to save my life. I know he and I’s relationship is rocky right now because we don’t get to spend a lot of time together. That being said, I know it shouldn’t ruin my whole evening, but I was really looking forward to it. And my motivation to do anything else isn’t there at all. I know I should get up and make dinner, but I really just want to order a pizza and call it a day. I know I should go play princesses with Abby, but Sophia the First sounds like a better idea. I know I should clean my kitchen, but I want it to wait. This isn’t the end of the world and I know this. I just feel really alone right now, and I needed that adult comfort. Just to sit in a dark theater and not have to worry for an hour and a half about school or what’s for dinner or the Kool-Aid stain on my counter.

I was also informed this evening that my ex can’t take the puppy I have been taking care of for him until November… NOVEMBER?!?!?! are you serious?!?! first it was the end of September, then it was the beginning of October, then it was October the 15th…when is this %^#! going to end?! What am I supposed to do with this dog? I can’t take her to the shelter because she’ll be put down because of her breed, and I don’t want to just give her to someone, because Abby loves her, but this is getting to be too much. I feel helpless. And I consciously know it’s because I have battled with depression since I was 14 and it kicks up in the strangest ways. Who else would feel this way about missing a movie?! NO ONE!! No normal person would sit in a child’s chair in the middle of the kitchen and pout like I just did. PATHETIC if you ask me. But this is the hand I was dealt, and though I would rather just call Domino’s I will instead drag myself into my kitchen, clean the Kool-Aid stains off the counter and make a half way decent meal.

What it is you ask? I have no freaking clue. could be mac n cheese, or it could be some chicken dish…. the kitchen is my oyster…kind of.

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biggest headache ever

no seriously, my headache is so terrible I feel like my brain is a million pounds. To make it worse, I have midterms this week and little to no time to study like I should.

Also, when I am not feeling well, my child’s behavior is at her worst.

our life continued

To be brutally honest, I have no idea where I left off before. I’ll just say that Abby was born a beautiful 8lb 9oz at the end of August in the heat of the summer…

After moving back to my hometown, Abby’s dad and I lived with his parents before making it out on our own. We tried living together, and that lasted a whopping 6 months before our relationship fell apart once again. Here we are almost 3 years after, we tried on or two more times to make it work and neither of us had it in us.

I currently live in a tiny two bedroom apartment with Abs, our two pit bulls (one we are “babysitting” for her dad) and our kitten. I have moved on and fell in love with a wonderful man who is amazing to me and great with Abby. we are trying to adjust into the idea of maybe moving in together, but he is a 34 year old bachelor and I am, like I said, a 24 year old single parent who works and goes to school full time. Timing couldn’t be worse.

I work as a server/ bartender in a local bar on weekend nights. my typical shift is from 6pm to 4(ish) am. Not the best for raising a small child. Luckily, Abby’s dad has her Friday nights, Saturday nights, and all day Sunday. (well the babysitter has her, and he picks her up when his shift ends around 11pm) and I did meet my amazing boyfriend here 🙂

I am an education major and attend the local university every Tuesday and Thursday from 8am to 225pm, and luckily Abby’s preschool is two minutes away from campus. I really enjoy going to school but it is so frustrating. I have always been a server, not working in a restaurant will be a welcome change, but I am scared. I am scared that because I cut my hours to go to school, I won’t be able to pay our bills, I am scared that I am missing out on Abby’s childhood because I am always tired or working or studying. I am scared that I won’t make it through the program. So I am scared. ALL THE TIME!! and the feeling never goes away.

 

What’s funny is, I don’t post this to my facebook or anything, I don’t really care if my friends or family reads this, I don’t mind if no body reads it. I just need to write it all down sometimes. just get it off my chest.

Our life in a very small nut shell

I have never blogged before. I have read dozens of blogs written by moms with seemingly perfect lives. My life is FAR from that. I am 24 (a month off from 25) and I am the proud mom of my 4 year old daughter Abby Jean. She was by the far the biggest surprise of my life, making her grand appearance 9 weeks before my 21st birthday. Her dad and I were high school sweethearts and thought that our love would last forever. Fun fact: that didn’t last as long as either of us planned.

He and I were so called “best friends” with hard-core benefits. And needless to say, that is how Abby came to be. We found out I was pregnant January 2, 2009. And months of emotions and decisions followed. Being a practicing Catholic, the A word was never an option, but yet it caused many fights between he and I. My mother, being the not so supportive old fashioned Italian woman she is asked two questions when I told her the big news. First, “So you and (insert man name here) are getting married?”….that was a BIG no….followed by, “So you’re giving the baby up for adoption?” WHOA! this is not the 1950’s and I am not “in trouble”. I was freshly twenty with a job and an apartment of my own, why shouldn’t I keep my baby?

Needless to say, fight after fight occurred and two months later I drove to a city 1500 miles away to live with a family member. I stayed and worked and went to school there for 6 months. There was minimal contact between Abby’s father and I. He did at one point inform me that I had been replaced with another woman who “understood his problems”. O right I forgot YOU’RE the only one with problems… anyway, I brushed that off with a week of hormonal tears and milkshakes. Then came the time when I got to find out whether or not this alien inside my newly strethmarked body would be a boy or a girl. (I had been pulling for a boy…there are A LOT of girls in my family) but no, the very judgmental ultrasound tech reluctantly informed me that precious (abusive) life inside of me was indeed a girl…and with her newly discovered gender revealed, came the time to name her. We both liked Abby (yes short for Abigail….even though he just wanted Abby on the birth certificate…) the middle name was an issue. We both wanted her middle name to honor our own grandmother’s, but there could only be one. I gave up the fight because at this time I didn’t have the energy to tie my shoe, let alone fight over a name that would never be used. Fun Fact: I use it ALL the time.

 

I would continue this story now, but my very hungry four year old is begging for her princess show and dinner…

Till next time.